


Utter Horror

by orphan_account



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Gen, Mild Innuendo, Murderers, Non-Canonical Violence, Sleepovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-10
Updated: 2014-04-10
Packaged: 2018-01-18 21:38:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1443811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Perry and Doofenshmirtz watch a horror movie together. Perry wonders who will suffer more: Doofenshmirtz, for watching the movie, or Perry, for actually agreeing to spend the night with him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Utter Horror

**Author's Note:**

> Result for the prompt "gunshot." I couldn't think of any way to incorporate an actual gunshot into a plot with Doofenshmirtz and Perry, so instead, I had them watch a horror movie about murders.

The last wispy curlicues of black smoke curled into the air from the remains of Doofenshmirtz's Raininator. A few stray blue sparks sprayed from its circuits. The generator wheezed and sputtered before falling silent.

Doofenshmirtz looked down at the carcass of his machine, his eyebrows scrunched low on his forehead. He glanced accusingly at Perry, who grinned and raised his shoulders in an innocent shrug.

"Gee, Perry the Platypus. Got something more im _por_ tant on your agenda? You didn't even give me a _chance_ today!"

Perry followed Doofenshmirtz's gaze and winced a little. He had, perhaps, been slightly less humoring than usual. Any other day he would have at least allowed Doofenshmirtz a small taste of victory before destroying the results of his hard work.

Perry moved his paw over the plastic face of his watch, shading it from the sunlight. He realized with wide eyes that he had managed to disable Doofenshmirtz's Raininator in fifteen minutes.

He clacked his teeth together in an apologetic chatter.

"What?" Doofenshmirtz said, folding his arms over his chest. "Do you have somewhere _better_ to go?"

Perry shook his head reluctantly.

"So… you're staying?" Doofenshmirtz's expression transformed. He smiled, his eyes shining and crinkling at the corners. It was contagious. Perry smiled too before catching himself.

"Well… well… hey." Doofenshmirtz seemed at a loss for a way to express his delight. "Hey! Why don't we do something, then?"

Perry's eyes widened. He took two steps backward, holding up his paws in a placating gesture.

"You told me you don't have anything else to do," Doofenshmirtz said accusingly.

Perry sighed, his whiskers drooping. Unenthusiastically he shrugged.

Doofenshmirtz fortunately overlooked this display of boredom and excitedly darted into the sitting room. He knelt by the television set and began happily sorting through the pile of old video cassette tapes.

"I was thinking," he said, "that you and I could watch this _mo_ vie together. Vanessa brought it over last time she came, but we never watched it. I haven't gotten a chance to look at it yet. Su _ppos_ edly, it is a very _good_ movie, but Vanessa and I don't exactly share the same tastes, in case you haven't noticed."

Perry sidled up to Doofenshmirtz to sneak a glance at his collection of videotapes. He recognized none of the titles, but noticed a few familiar words such as _girl, documentary, evil,_ and _platypus._ The last one particularly caught Perry's attention. The bridge of his bill crinkled in disgust, and he cut an ugly sidelong glare at Doofenshmirtz.

"Ah-ha. Here we go," Doofenshmirtz said, appearing not to notice Perry's snarl. He extracted a tape from beneath a hefty stack of magazines, and a few issues fell to the floor, their pages sprawling. Perry politely bent down to gather them and placed them neatly on the table.

"Ooh." Doofenshmirtz held the videotape out, squinting at its label. The title dominated the small space in oozing red letters. " _Blood Nicodemus III._ Wow."

He turned the tape over. "How did Vanessa manage to _get_ this?" Muttering to himself, he looked down at Perry apologetically. "Sorry, Perry the Platypus. I thought we'd have something… _better_ to watch. You, uh… don't mind, do you? I mean, we could watch something else."

In all honesty, Perry actually enjoyed horror movies, though at home Mom never allowed him to watch anything frightening. Perry snidely raised his shoulders as if he were doing Doofenshmirtz a favor by merely staying here.

Doofenshmirtz relaxed visibly, slumping. "Good." Then he brightened. "Hey, um, do you like popcorn? 'Cause I have some… um, in the kitchen. Want some?"

Perry pinched his thumb and forefinger together.

"Just a bit? Okay. Put the movie in, if you don't mind. I'll be right back." Doofenshmirtz trailed into the kitchenette and clattered around, opening pantries and cabinets in search of bagged popcorn. Perry rolled his eyes before crouching by the television. Awkwardly he fumbled with the videotape, uncertain of how to push it into the VCR.

"Are you having _trou_ ble, Perry the Platypus?" Doofenshmirtz said with a grin, returning with a bowl of sizzling popcorn. He leaned over and pressed the edge of the cassette, feeding it into the VCR. It whirred and buzzed until the television screen lit up with snowy static.

" _Coming soon to theaters––Blood Nicodemus IV._ " The deep voice rumbled from the speakers. Doofenshmirtz grabbed at the remote and frantically smashed a button. The sound faded.

"Sorry," he said. "I hate commercials."

Perry looked at the ceiling as if praying for strength to tolerate the next two hours.

With a sigh, he sagged against the plush purple couch cushions, gazing listlessly at the television. On the screen a woman clutched at the wall, blood pouring in frothy rivers down the front of her blouse. A man stood behind her, a gun in his hand. Just as the woman's face contorted in a scream and a gunshot cracked, words flashed onto the screen and ended the trailer.

Perry vaguely wondered what Mom would say if she saw him. He decided she had forbidden them to watch horror movies for Phineas's and Ferb's sakes. Comforted by this notion, he settled himself more comfortably on the sofa cushion, and stretched over to pick a puffy kernel of popcorn from the bowl on Doofenshmirtz's lap.

"Uh… Perry the Platypus?" A strange expression clouded Doofenshmirtz's face, and he subtly moved the popcorn bowl closer to Perry. "Um… I… uh––how about this movie, huh?"

Perry held his finger to his bill, shushing Doofenshmirtz. He pointed at the television; the opening credits rolled into the foreground. Behind the red letters spanned a beautiful blue field. A house stood in the distance. Everything seemed peaceful until a hulking shadow slid through the flowery shrubs.

Perry stared and groped at his side for another piece of popcorn. His paw fell upon Doofenshmirtz's leg, and Doofenshmirtz started, lurching forward and nearly spilling the popcorn. With a nervous chuckle, he sat back and pushed the large bowl between them, effectively creating a barrier between himself and Perry. Perry raised an eyebrow at him inquisitively before choosing an especially white bit of popcorn from the pile.

Minutes passed. Perry's attention remained riveted on the television. Doofenshmirtz swung his leg to and fro, looking jittery.

"Perry the Platypus?" he said, nervously picking at his thumb. "This movie is really boring. Are you sure–– _oof!_ "

Perry's fist met Doofenshmirtz's shoulder rather sharply. Doofenshmirtz unwillingly kept silent as suspenseful violin music shrilly rose from the speakers. He swallowed hard, and felt the popcorn sour in his stomach.

An enormous man hid in the dark kitchen. The first shafts of moonlight split through the gap in the curtains and angled off the blade of his sharpened knife. The woman, looking pretty in her glittery blue evening gown, strode past. Her heels clicked against the floor and echoed in Doofenshmirtz's living room.

Perry dipped his paw into the bowl again, eating automatically without looking down. Only hard kernels rattled in the bottom of the bowl. Scarcely noticing, Perry began distractedly sucking the butter from his fingers. Doofenshmirtz slightly turned his head to watch.

On the screen, the man sneaked along the wall, creeping closer and closer to the place where the woman sat, fluffing her cloud of curls while peering into her vanity mirror. The music grew louder and shakier.

Entirely absorbed in the movie, Perry sat frozen. His thumb in his mouth, the last trace of salt and butter tasting suddenly like cardboard, he stared blankly at the television. The flashing reflections shone gold in his large brown eyes. His whiskers twitched in time with his rapid pulse.

"Perry the Platypus," Doofenshmirtz said.

Perry held up his free paw, gazing at the screen as if in a trance.

"Perry the Platypus," Doofenshmirtz said in an urgent whisper. He glanced at the television and anxiously bounced a little.

Perry ignored him.

"I don't like this movie."

Perry made no reply.

"Maybe we should turn it off."

This earned Doofenshmirtz a glare. Perry huffily slouched, but the instant he looked back at the television, he clasped his paws together on his lap. Was it the flickering light casting the pallid hue, or did Perry appear paler beneath his fur?

Uneasily, Doofenshmirtz watched the man loom behind the woman. He squeezed his hands together. The woman saw the intruder's reflection in her mirror, lingered stunned in her seat for a moment, and ripped around, her face scrunching in a terrible screech.

Perry jumped. Embarrassed by his blunder, he bopped back the brim of his fedora and leaned back in a most casual way. He frowned, feeling sweat prickle his cheeks.

"Perry the Platypus," said Doofenshmirtz, "we _se_ riously need to stop watching this, like, _right_ now. You, um… you won't be able to sleep for weeks."

His voice rose in desperation as onscreen the man wrapped his hand around the woman's throat. She flailed. The view grew closer until they could see the man's knuckles shaking as he clenched the woman's neck more tightly.

Doofenshmirtz took the empty bowl to place it on the coffee table, hardly realizing he did so. He scooted closer to Perry, making the cushion sink beneath his weight. His heart pounded violently enough to make his breath shallow. He hoped the woman's screams were loud enough to keep Perry from hearing him whimper.

Perry curled his fingers into the small green pillow and clutched it against his chest, unwittingly making a wall between himself and the frightening murderer. His pupils had widened to the point of engulfing the surrounding gold.

The movie continued, oblivious to their fear. The music screeched, and in a swift surge forward, the man drove his knife into the woman's chest. Blood sprayed from the wound, drenching her gown and staining the silk purple. An agonized shriek of utter terror tore from her mouth, and Doofenshmirtz jerked his legs onto the couch, lashing out to grab Perry and clutch him close in a protective hug.

"I––I––It's okay, Perry the Platypus," he said breathily through clicking teeth. "It's not real. Th––th––they can't really hurt you." He wrapped his arms around Perry to press him against his chest, shakily smoothing his hand down Perry's back. Perry struggled, grunting a little as he tried to claw his way out of the embrace. He _had_ to see what happened during the final minutes of the movie.

Doofenshmirtz drew his knees up, shielding Perry from the nauseous sight of the woman's lifeless body drowning in a growing pool of blood. He dug his fingers into Perry's shoulders, keeping Perry in place.

"It's––it's almost o––over, Perry the Platypus," Doofenshmirtz said, muttering against the top of Perry's fedora. "Don't worry…. just… try to forget about it. It's not real. No murderer is going to get in my––I mean, _your_ house tonight. Let's just t––try to forget about this whole experience."

Perry thrust Doofenshmirtz's arm away from its place covering his eyes and scowled. The credits poured ominously down the screen in trickles of blood. Perry gaped in disbelief before sulking, folding his arms over his chest.

Doofenshmirtz reluctantly moved back, sliding his arms from around Perry and looking down at him in pure concern. "Are… are you okay, Perry the Platypus? I warned you, that movie was really, really scary."

Perry's expression flattened. Deadpan, he stared at Doofenshmirtz.

"What?" said Doofenshmirtz. "You probably won't be able to sleep for the next  _month_. You're scared out of your mind. Look at your whiskers, they're frizzier than my ex-girlfriend's hair on a rainy day."

Perry pouted a bit at this remark.

"Anyway," Doofenshmirtz said, "that movie was _to_ tally inappropriate. I would hate to think that it would be _my_ fault if you have nightmares."

Perry leaned back against the cushion, a quiet whuff of a giggle shaking his shoulders.

"What now?"

Perry shook his head, smiling, and reached up to poke Doofenshmirtz's forehead. He then jabbed his thumb at the closed door of Doofenshmirtz's bedroom.

"You… uh… _oh!_ " Doofenshmirtz's eyebrows lowered in understanding. "Hey, I'm not the one who was scared. I will sleep _per_ fectly fine tonight, thank you very much."

Perry looked unconvinced.

"Well… I will. You're going to be _crying_ yourself to sleep. I, on the other hand, am a mature adult, and movies can't scare me."

Perry's cheeks bulged to contain another laugh, but he hastily clapped his paw over his mouth.

"All right, all right. You don't believe me? Fine. I bet _you_ won't even be able to get back to Major Monogram without jumping at every little noise!"

Perry flipped his paw in a gesture of nonchalance.

"Oh, so we are being _smart_ -alecky now, are we?"

Politely, Perry pushed Doofenshmirtz aside and clambered from the sofa. On the floor, he stretched, extending his arms before him. He reminded Doofenshmirtz of a cat that had just crawled from its spot napping on the window seat. Perry arched his back and shook himself vigorously.

"You're getting hairs in my rug," Doofenshmirtz said. Perry shook himself again for spite.

After flicking his fedora back onto his head, Perry stood and trotted leisurely to the door. He had barely vaulted up on tiptoe to grab the doorknob when Doofenshmirtz twisted around on the couch to peer over its back and say, "Wait!"

Impatiently, Perry turned and crossed his arms loosely over his chest.

"Um…" Doofenshmirtz sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck, mussing his hair. "You don't _have_ to leave right now. We could stay up longer… you know, just to keep each other company. It's not that I _need_ you, but, you know, I don't want you to be alone and scared or anything like _that._ We could play checkers or go read some of Vanessa's magazines or…"

As Doofenshmirtz continued to list activities they would enjoy doing together, Perry distinctly realized that Doofenshmirtz was the frightened and lonesome one.

Sighing, Perry relented. He dragged himself to the couch and tugged firmly on the cuff of Doofenshmirtz's pants. He pointed to the bedroom.

Doofenshmirtz nearly tumbled from the couch. " _What?_ "

Perry pointed again.

"Oh." Suddenly flustered, Doofenshmirtz tried to hide it by grinning slyly. "You are _staying_ with me, Perry the Platypus? That's great! I was _t_ otally going to have a bad ni––"

He broke off upon seeing Perry's amused expression.

"I mean… uh… _ha._ You _are_ scared, aren't you? You need me to hold your cute little hand all night. I'm fine, I said. I sure am tired, but, you know, if you need me to, I'll stay up to make sure you're all right." Doofenshmirtz made a show of yawning dramatically.

Perry rolled his eyes and began to trudge toward the door. Doofenshmirtz lunged, holding out one hand as if to pull Perry away from escape.

"No, Perry the Platypus, hold on!" Doofenshmirtz bent down, wrapping his arms around Perry's hips to hold him in place. Perry immediately cracked his fist into the top of Doofenshmirtz's head.

Seemingly unaffected by the blow, Doofenshmirtz buried his face in Perry's side. "Don't go, Perry the Platypus. I admit it, I admit it––I'm scared out of my wits. I won't be able to shut my eyes. If a leaf hits my window tonight I'll faint. I won't make it to see tomorrow. What will you do without me?"

Perry could think of several things.

"Please, Perry the Platypus? Stay with me, just for tonight. One teensy little night! I'll probably _die_ without you."

Perry lowered his head, wondering how Doofenshmirtz knew exactly how to make his conscience sting. Exhaling wearily, he patted Doofenshmirtz's head consolingly and let a soft purr rattle in his throat.

Doofenshmirtz looked up, his eyes surprisingly wet. He smiled. "You're the greatest, Perry the Platypus. You really, really are."

Perry shrugged modestly.

"Really!" Doofenshmirtz stood up and brushed the blue hairs from his coat. "Ooh, we are going to have the best sleepover ever. This is gonna be te _rrif_ ic. We can play checkers and marbles and we can tell stories and play Truth-or-Dare––well, maybe not _that._ We've had a negative experience with that one. Oh, but we could play charades. You're _really_ good at charades. Maybe we can even prank call Major Monobrow. Wouldn't that be a riot?"

Doofenshmirtz bent down to take Perry's paw and led him through the apartment, talking constantly. Perry allowed Doofenshmirtz to blabber about their plans for the night, thinking that maybe he really did need the company as much as Doofenshmirtz did.

"…and there's this game that my daughter learned at one of her school parties. She mentioned it to one of her friends. They call it spin-the-bottle, or something along those lines, but they talked about it like it's really fun, the most fun game they've played. Sounds exciting, huh? I'll look it up and maybe we can play that. "

Perry stared directly ahead, swallowing heavily.

Perhaps Doofenshmirtz had been right––Perry truly _wasn't_ going to sleep well. At all.


End file.
